This past week has been one of the roughest weeks I’ve had in a long time. Before this, I was doing pretty good. Actually, I’m feeling okay while writing this—not that it means I am okay, as I found out.
Many of you know I have Complex PTSD, and part of that means I have triggers. I was trigged two Fridays ago. I knew I was at the time, but I thought it wasn’t that bad, since I felt okay after an hour or so, but it took me until Tuesday to realize I wasn’t. Of course, the “discussion” I had on Sunday with family did not help.
Basically, on Tuesday, I knew something was up, because I carry my emotions in my muscles and I was in intense pain and I had no idea why until I thought back and remembered I’d been triggered—it’s pretty awful. It took me a couple days to work through that mess of anger, anxiety, and depression. During these times it’s important to do self-care—comforting oneself and working through the difficult emotions in a safe space.
I also had lunch with my stepmom and dad and those situations can be intense; even though it seemed to have gone well, it was still stressful—especially when still recovering from being triggered. We didn’t have much of a discussion beyond the superficial and sometimes small talk is all I can handle.
Thursday was looking pretty good, as I had scheduled some time with this guy I’ve been seeing. I always felt better when we hung out, and especially after a really tough week I wanted a little extra comfort. We went out to dinner and a drinks, and it was from good to red flag to good again. But when I got home and texted him, we basically decided to end things, as we were not on the same page. Though awful in and of itself, it wasn’t the worse thing that happened this week, just another stressor.
The following morning I had therapy with my social worker and that turned out to be one of the roughest, rawest sessions I’ve had and it took me about a day and half to feel remotely normal. I feel better, almost to where I was before being triggered. Weeks like last week can ruin people. I’m lucky that I have a support network of friends and I’m gaining the tools to be able work through all the emotions and come out functional. Sometimes okay is as good as it gets.
This past weekend it was both World Mental Health Day and National Coming Out Day, and I think these types of days are worth mentioning here in my blog. World Mental Health Day is something I’ve just found out about, and I was doing a little digging, and discovered that it’s about raising awareness for mental health problems and discussions—something I’ve been doing on my blog (sharing my story). Hand in hand is National Coming Out Day, which is a day I’ve been celebrating for several years. Coming out is an important part of mental health—especially in discovering ones sexuality and confirming it to oneself. Sharing this with other people is also a good idea—I know for me, my anxiety lessened once I came out to friends and family.
I hope these blogs help others understand mental illness and/or help others learn it’s okay to have bad days, bad weeks, etc. You are not alone in this tough journey. You deserve love and kindness, especially from yourself.
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