I went to see the social worker last week, and we made a little bit of progress. We talked about meditation and how it affects emotions: basically makes them easier to process through breathing techniques. So I’ve been trying to do meditation once a day at least, usually before bed.
Anyways, we were discussing self-worth (a topic I’ve posted about several time before: here and here and gotten wrong whoops), and we were talking about the idea of self-parenting. In the sense of on bad days saying “There there, I know it’s really hard right now, but you’ll be okay.” In one of the meditations I listen to, this line (or really similar) is used a few times, and it always made me feel silly and weird. After discussing with the social worker, he mentioned that I probably feel this way as I never had much of it growing up, and it may sounds silly but I have to do it anyway.
And you know what? It works. If I’m having a bad day, feeling down, or just blah, I say this to myself and I feel better. Not like 100% better instantly, but I feel less upset, less angry, less depressed. I don’t feel silly for saying to myself. I feel comforted. I often feel I have to rely on myself for everything, and this is an instance where it works for me, and is something I need to do.
It’s part of my homework. Along with self-appreciation: “You’ve got good taste in music,” “You did most of the things on your list today, awesome!” things like that. And slowly, slowly it’s helping a lot. I know I have a lot of work ahead of me. As my social worker said (basically), “You’re not starting at the starting line along with everyone else. You’re at the end of the beginning line which means you’re working to catch up. It’s not bad, it’s just where you are so you know where you want to go.”
It’s not going to be easy, but it will be worth it.
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