Self-worth and Self-appreciation

I went to see the social worker last week, and we made a little bit of progress. We talked about meditation and how it affects emotions: basically makes them easier to process through breathing techniques. So I’ve been trying to do meditation once a day at least, usually before bed.

Who else feels this way in the AM?
Who else feels this way in the AM?

Anyways, we were discussing self-worth (a topic I’ve posted about several time before: here and here and gotten wrong whoops), and we were talking about the idea of self-parenting. In the sense of on bad days saying “There there, I know it’s really hard right now, but you’ll be okay.” In one of the meditations I listen to, this line (or really similar) is used a few times, and it always made me feel silly and weird. After discussing with the social worker, he mentioned that I probably feel this way as I never had much of it growing up, and it may sounds silly but I have to do it anyway.

And you know what? It works. If I’m having a bad day, feeling down, or just blah, I say this to myself and I feel better. Not like 100% better instantly, but I feel less upset, less angry, less depressed. I don’t feel silly for saying to myself. I feel comforted. I often feel I have to rely on myself for everything, and this is an instance where it works for me, and is something I need to do.

It’s part of my homework. Along with self-appreciation: “You’ve got good taste in music,” “You did most of the things on your list today, awesome!” things like that. And slowly, slowly it’s helping a lot. I know I have a lot of work ahead of me. As my social worker said (basically), “You’re not starting at the starting line along with everyone else. You’re at the end of the beginning line which means you’re working to catch up. It’s not bad, it’s just where you are so you know where you want to go.”

It’s not going to be easy, but it will be worth it.

Support my writing at Patreon—a site for creators to connect with patrons. Your support will help me worry less about how to survive and more on how to create better art. I appreciate any and all levels of support. I post poems, short fiction, observations, and blogs (before they appear here).

Discovering Triggers

Maroon Shirt
Shirt from the Acceptance concert in Santa Ana.

I had a rough day this past Monday. Not that it should have been rough, but it was. I went to see the social worker in the morning (and was a little bit late, though that seemed to have been fine). I think we had a good session, and I think he’s finally beginning to see that I’m not okay as I appear on the outside. We discussed a few things, and one of them was triggers. And I encountered a new one just after the session. Fun.

Anyway, most of you know that I live with family: specifically my grandma and my uncle. Well, I was triggered a couple weeks ago by my uncle. On Monday, it was by my grandma. And I know she probably didn’t mean it, but it happened nonetheless. It basically went like this. My uncle has a cold, and my grandma went grocery shopping. She asked me to help bring in groceries. All good so far. Then she proceeded to tell my uncle, “Bringing in groceries is good for him [meaning me]. He doesn’t do that much around here anyway.” Which I overheard.

It doesn’t sound like much, but I felt pretty shitty afterward. It might have been fine if the therapy session I had wasn’t a little rough. It wasn’t long afterward when she asked me to order pizza and go pick it up (which is fine, two places because I can’t eat gluten). Unfortunately, the place I order from is closed Monday’s so that was disappointing. I know it sounds petty and stupid, but for me, that just made everything much worse.

It took me until about 7 to recover enough to not just stare at walls and be mad about everything. The rest of this week has been pretty low as well, and I haven’t felt much like doing anything. I’m beginning to see just how toxic my environment is. Even if it may not be to other people, to me, it’s a constant battle against everything that I cannot win.

Acceptance @ Santa Ana
Acceptance @ Santa Ana

Whew. Let’s take a short break. I’ve added a couple pictures from the concert I went to in Santa Ana—to see Acceptance again. It was a great show, better than the one at Troubadour.

I left off about the eye doctor as well. I went back for my retina scan last week, and it came back with very minor damage from pressure, so I don’t have to take drops or anything currently—thankfully. I have to go in for a check up in January to make sure that it’s not getting any worse, and I’d rather have that than have to take drops. I’m guessing I just have pressure spikes in my eyes from stress (e.g. eye tests!).

I hope that everything is okay with you all this week. I should be feeling better next week. I’ve even got some fun plans toward the end of the month—should be able to go to Silicone Valley Pride for a couple things. I need a short little vacation!

Support my writing at Patreon—a site for creators to connect with patrons. Your support will help me worry less about how to survive and more on how to create better art. I appreciate any and all levels of support. I post poems, short fiction, observations, and blogs (before they appear here).